


Purpose

by Lau_chan



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Gen, Original Character Death(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-17
Updated: 2012-07-17
Packaged: 2019-01-05 17:44:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12194682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lau_chan/pseuds/Lau_chan
Summary: When tragedy happens, her soul can't seem to rest until all is in place...





	Purpose

She opened her eyes and realized she had it. Her purpose. She could finally leave. She needed to get this right, she thought, as if to give herself all her own strength back. She’d been waiting forever. Wandering about without a direction. Without a sign. But now she really needed to get this right to put an end to all that suffering. Both hers and theirs. 

It was about time. 

 

* * * 

 

“This is a beautiful calligraphy” she said, from behind, coming almost out of nowhere. “Your technique is impressive for someone your age”.

Ohno Satoshi turned to face her. 

He hasn’t lost a single trait of what made him  _riida_ , she thought and she couldn’t help but smile a warm smile. He’d always been her favorite and she’d always felt him close to her heart, even if she was now so far away.

“I’m still not that good…” he said, reluctantly and almost embarrassed. 

“Is that so? I’d love to see you in full bloom then” she said, blushing. She kicked herself internally and remembered her purpose. She needed to focus on that, not on how beautiful Ohno was, sitting in  _seiza_  style doing calligraphy in that old temple hidden between the mountains of Arashiyama in Kyoto. She needed to get back on track. “Ah, this scenery is almost too perfect, right?” She looked around, to the mountains in front of them. “Don’t you think it’s odd you come  _here_  to relax?”

“Excuse me?  _Here_?” he looked kind of puzzled and intrigued at the same time. He looked around, though, to the mountains she was referring to as if there was something hidden he hadn’t seen and could be seen now.

“Arashi…” she paused, theatrically, “…yama, I mean” she smiled in amusement.

His heart jumped, though he couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t the first time someone called out that name to him, but there was something in the air around her that made his spine shiver. He regained his composure and turned back, to face her.

But she was nowhere to be seen.

 

* * * 

 

Sakurai Sho left the offices kind of downhearted and hurried to the elevator. He hardly made it through the doors. He sighed. He felt so tired he couldn’t believe his own body.

“But you must have been so tired before, right?”

He turned around and looked at her in surprise. Where the hell did she come from?, he thought.

“When you were in Arashi, I mean” she continued, as if that was the normal thing to say in an elevator to a complete stranger.

He blinked, confused. “Ex… excuse me?”

He hadn’t lost that fail touch that had made thousands of girls around the world fall in love with him. Her heart almost stopped. She needed to be strong. She needed to focus on her purpose.

The doors opened on the eight floor and what felt like thousands of gray downhearted people ending their shifts, just like himself, entered the elevator. Sakurai Sho moved around, trying to find his own space and then looked for her. 

But she was nowhere to be seen. 

 

* * * 

 

When the game ended, Ninomiya Kazunari closed his eyes in sweet desperation, clapped three times and gathered the kids around him. They all looked dispirited. He gave them a short speech on how important it was to play and enjoy the game as a team, regardless of winning or losing, but felt the kids were not inspired at all. He sent them to the showers and sat in one of the front row red seats.

“You miss enjoying being part of a team so much, it’s almost painful to watch”

Kazu turned around to face that voice. She was seated in the fourth row, right next to the aisle. 

“Excuse me?” he looked angry. She smiled. He used to like pranks but only if he was in control, not the other way round. He didn’t like to be played with and she couldn’t help but notice how adorable he was being angry at her. 

“You were part of a great team… you were part of Arashi, and you blew it. And it sucks. And it hurts. It hurts just the same,  _ne_?”. 

He stood up and was about to say something to her when one of the boys shouted something from the other side of the baseball field. He turned to see what was going on, and when he was sure nothing had really happened, he turned again to face her.

But she was nowhere to be seen.

 

* * * 

 

“ _Ira_ _s_ _shaimase_!” Aiba Masaki shouted, as was customary, whenever a customer came into his under-the-radar small Chinese restaurant. He still had a warm friendly smile, she thought. And she soon realized how much she had missed it. She missed that smile so much she almost couldn’t face it.

He came towards her, ready to take her order, looking joyful and satisfied, but she didn’t give him a chance. She couldn’t or she would lose her way.

“Ah, that smile used to warm so many hearts, did you know that? I kind of feels it’s going to waste, now”. It hurt her to be so blunt, especially to him, but she needed to focus.

“Wha… what….?”

She wouldn’t let him finish. It was too painful. “Your smile touched hearts when you were with Arashi. Now…” she doubted herself, but she needed to do what she needed to do. “Now… your smile touches a few bowls of  _ramen_ , that’s all. Don’t you see how sad that is?”

He was about to reply when the doorbell made a sound and instinctively, he turned around to shout  _ira_ _s_ _shaimase_. It came out wrong, as if he was irritated by the new customer and he cursed himself for that. He sighed and while turning back to face that rude woman again, he saw from the corner of his eye how the backdoor was closing.

And she was nowhere to be seen.

 

* * * 

 

It was easy. She only needed to think about how it ended. How it hurt both physically and mentally. How it had been hurting all along. And a tear came down her cheek. She knew he wouldn’t be able to resist and he definitely didn’t. He was Matsumoto Jun, after all. Nothing could stand on his way to a great photo, so he shot his camera right at her, and then pretended not to see her.

She dried up her tears and sniffed, theatrically. She walked towards him, pretending to be all sure of herself. As if I could be like him, she thought, and a bunch of memories piled up. He still was the most beautiful creature on Earth.

“Don’t you miss being in the spotlight…?”

Jun turned around, startled. He hadn’t seen her coming. 

“I can’t believe you… hiding behind that camera. It’s so painful to see”. It was indeed painful. She missed him so much, she realized.

“Excuse me…?” he looked severely annoyed. He hadn’t been reprimanded for a long time, since he left for good, he thought.

“You were Arashi’s light. You weren’t  _in_  the spotlight, you  _were_  the spotlight and when it burst you hid behind a camera and you let go, as if… as if it meant nothing”. 

She was angry at him. She was so mad at him she couldn’t bear it anymore. She had been able to control her feelings with the rest of the members, but facing Jun after all what happened was the toughest of all. But she needed to get back to her purpose.

“…meant nothing?” Jun was fuming but couldn’t help noticing the anger in her eyes. Instinctively, he looked through the camera viewfinder and shot. There was something special in her anger. He looked down his camera, to check on the photo he’d just taken. “Who are you anyway?!” and when he lifted his eyes to look at her again, she was gone.

Gone.

 

* * * 

 

The day it happened hell turned into reality. 

It had been an accident, impossible to foresee and even if there were blames to be taken, none could be assumed by them. But they did. They all assumed those deaths as their own and were completely lost in them. Smiles turned into tears and the Arashi colors soon turned dead black. That day she had lost her life, but that wasn’t painful at all when compared to seeing how they all lost their ways. Seeing how Arashi disappeared into history. 

To never come back.

She had been dreaming about that day for months. If only she’d known how it would have changed her life. But then again, even if she hadn’t been there, even if she hadn’t lost her life in that Tokyo Dome, she would have lost it anyways watching them go. Watching them cry. Watching them darken and disappear into nothingness. That was more painful than her own dead. True, it had hurt. Her internal injuries had hurt so bad and she’d felt so alone and trembled so much with fear until her body couldn’t take it any more. It did hurt. But seeing them disappear into darkness had hurt even more.

When the pain was gone and she was left alone, she was so confused. She didn’t know where she was. She only knew time seemed to have a different pace there, wherever there was. She’d been wandering for almost four years, trying to figure out what to do next. She was a lost soul, in all possible meanings, so when she finally saw the light of her purpose, she sighed in relief. It’d taken her too long to see it and the deadline was way too close. 

She needed to move quickly.

 

* * * 

 

It was almost 2am when Jun came out of the car, hidden behind some huge stylish sunglasses. It had been four years, but it still hurt him too much to face it openly. He needed to mask his feelings. Masaki was already there and he looked completely out of place. As he had been looking since the first day they had come there, four years ago. It had been a long time, but Masaki couldn’t bear it yet. And Jun knew he wouldn’t be able to, ever. So he approached him and gave him a comforting hug. They didn’t speak, it wasn’t necessary and it was also meaningless. No words could express what they had been feeling those four years; they understood each other without the use of any words. 

Walking with a bucket of flowers in his hands came Kazunari. He looked completely absent-minded, as usual, and both Masaki and Jun knew it was just a façade, a way to distance himself from the pain. Kazu greeted them with a simple  _yo_  and quickly looked down. He couldn’t bear to look at Masaki’s tearful, painful look or Jun’s hidden guilt. He always thought it was supposed to be easier with time, but in reality it was becoming worse and worse every year. He made a mental note to try to get there late next year so he wouldn’t have to face their pain. Kazu was lost in his thoughts when Sho and Satoshi came out of a black car. Sho was wearing a black suit and a black tie, while Satoshi was wearing a formal black ceremonial  _kimono_. They both looked abashed. Satoshi remained silent, while Sho greeted the rest of them. Satoshi relied so much on Sho he felt every year it was worse than the year before. 

The air was heavy.

From the distance, she thought it was so painful to watch she almost doubted herself. To know the odd looks and tearful expressions had been repeated every year for four years. She didn’t understand why she was only allowed to see it then and hadn’t been able to see it before, but she knew that didn’t matter anymore. What mattered was she had the means to make it stop. 

For her own sake. For their own sake. For everyone’s sake.

Sho took the leading role, as he’d been doing since hell day, and walked towards the east side of the stadium. It was dark and the area was deserted, exactly what they had expected. They didn’t want to share their pain with anyone else. It was only between them and the fans gathered there that day. The fans who went to an Arashi concert to never come back home. 

And to no one else. 

Masaki took a candle out of his left pocket and handed it to Jun, who lit it up quickly. They both ducked and put it carefully on the floor. Kazu sighed and bent down to put the flower bucket next to the candle, while Satoshi lit up a traditional incense stick. Sho put his hands together and everyone followed.

_Itterasshai_ , he said, his eyes closed. 

She moved quickly between them, in silence. 

_We won’t ever forget_ , followed Sho.

They all opened their eyes at the same time. They had all felt it, they could read it in each other’s eyes. A cold presence. A shiver down their spines. An inexplicable need to awkwardly shear a tear and smile at the same time. 

The need to be together. 

Masaki saw the note on the floor and pointed at it, trembling. Jun took it from the floor and prepared to read it aloud.

_It’s so painful to see you all. So, so, painful… it hurts too much._

_Satoshi, your calligraphy was indeed precious to me._ _But that’s not your purpose in life._

_Sho_ _, you don’t need to keep trying hard. Overworking is definitely not your purpose in life._

_Kazu_ _, those baseball kids love you_ _(and so did we!)_ _but that’s not your purpose in life._

_Masaki, your ramen_ _surely_ _tasted delicious but that’s not your purpose in life._

_Jun,_ _you’re amazing seeing life through your lenses_ _. But that’s not your purpose in life._

_And_ _I’m sorry_ _._

_I’m sorry_ _it took me so long to see the light. I’m sorry you suffered for so long. I’m sorry I_ _wasn’t able to see my purpose_ _eariler_ _._

_We miss you._

_Not just me._ _We us all._ _We miss you. We miss you terribly and I know you miss us_ _terribly too_ _. I’ve seen it in your hearts and I’m not ready to_ _let_ _go until you face_ _the truth_ _._

_Until you see you can’t live without us either._

_You may be good at arts, at decision-_ _making_ _, at baseball, at cooking, at photography_ _…_ _but that’s not what you are best at. You excel at giving our lives a purpose._

_And that’s your_ _own_ _purpose._

_Without you, the world is just dark. And that’s not just for me, it’s for_ _everybody_ _,_ _especially for those who survived hell_ _but_ _were left in despair._ _I_ _really_ _n_ _eed to close my eyes and leave and_ _they need_ _you_ _to keep_ _on_ _living. They need their purposes. They need you and I know you need_ _them. The same way I needed you to walk away._

_Do not be afraid to face_ _the darkness that surrounded us. I’m sure you’ll be able to light it up._ _With_ _Arashi_ _colors._

_You deserve it. And we deserve it._

_Please_ _._

_Light it up._

_And let me close my eyes and sleep._

Jun turned the paper to check if there was anything else written on the back, but it was blank; he was thankful for that. His voice was trembling and he couldn’t bear it any longer, he thought. Sho sniffed uncontrollably and Masaki couldn’t help his tears. Kazu tried to dry his up quickly, as not to be seen, but his red eyes were beacons of his pain. Satoshi looked at the floor were the note had been, unable to look up. Tears were dwelling up, remembering. 

Hurting.

Kazu was the first one to speak up, trying to keep his façade. “What kind of joke is this, what the…?” he snorted. But he knew well in his heart he couldn’t explain or even understand what had happened. He knew she’d been real. He remembered her face too well. Sitting on the fourth row right next to the aisle, he remembered. But he was too afraid to embrace it.

“Cut the crap, Nino”. Jun was not ready to let go. “I saw her” he confessed and he took a picture out of his wallet. He’d been carrying that photo ever since the day she came into his life and made him wonder. He couldn’t explain why, but he felt the need to carry that photo with him at all times. “She was so angry I wanted to take a shot of her anger but all I got was…” he showed them the photo “…sparkles of light”.

Time seemed to stop and she looked curiously from afar. It was the moment of truth and she prayed they would see the light too.

Seconds seemed like years but, all of a sudden, Satoshi smiled the warmest smile that turned into an uncontrollable burst of laughter.

And Sho took over. “What the hell are we doing? What the hell have we done?”

Masaki nodded in sweet desperation, Kazu’s face lit up and Jun smiled the deepest smile ever.

She knew her time was up. 

They had seen it too.

 

* * * 

 

Seated in one of the steps closer to where she’d lost her life, she smiled peacefully for the first time since hell day. There they were, singing and dancing and playing dumb. And there they were, screaming and smiling and moving their penlights to the music. For a moment it was as if nothing had ever happened. As if she’d gone back in time. 

If only I could, she thought. If only she could.

Half way through the show, the music stopped, the lights went down and the big screens started to show pictures of unknown faces and names. She recognized some of them and wondered again why she had been left behind. Had that been her purpose all along? The last photo caught her complete attention; she could see herself among sparkles of light. She remembered when Jun took that photo from her. 

Jun’s handwriting appeared on the screens. It was just one word. But it was so powerful the air went still and the stadium was silenced.

_Arigatō_

A strong light lit up a white piano. Kazu was seating in front of it, ready to play surrounded by Satoshi, Sho, Masaki and Jun. The song started and she thought the tune was a sweet mixture of smiles and tears. 

It felt like home.

She felt extremely dizzy. Her body was failing her, she realized.

And she knew it was time.

She let out a tear, smiled and whispered a goodbye. As if they had heard her through the distance, they all looked up to were she was sitting and smiled with tears in their eyes. 

_Arigat_ _ō_  was the last word she heard.

And she closed her eyes and slept.


End file.
